


Ghosting

by SilentFemme



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 23:20:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20956571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentFemme/pseuds/SilentFemme
Summary: Waking up hadn't been the plan, but now Evan has to deal with all the consequences of letting go and jumping from that tree. Including the consequences of having Connor Murphy find him.





	Ghosting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zara_Zara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zara_Zara/gifts).

Evan did not expect to wake up after he had let go.

it was supposed to be final. 

Death was supposed to be final.

And yet, here he was lying on the ground staring up at the branches of the tree from which he "fell". Watching the clouds Evan felt both bitter and relieved at his survival. Bitter because it meant he had to go on, that he still had to face life with all his anxieties and pain. Relived because a moment after he let go he had changed his mind, he didn't want to die anymore. 

He was too scared to die so he was relieved that he was still alive and his mom didn't have to pay for his funeral - she didn't have that kind of money lying about. After all, it wasn't like anyone besides his mom and maybe Jared - if he wanted to please his parents - would come. But if Evan died he wouldn' have minded too much, it wasn't as if anyone even knew he existed.

Maybe I'll just close my eyes for a while before I get up, Evan thought to himself and he allowed himself to relax to the sound of grass dancing in a soft breeze. A horrified sound startles him from his relaxed state. Footsteps thunder over the grass as someone races towards him. 

An amused thought pops into his mind, they must think I am dead. He snorts at the thought and doesn't know why he finds it funny. A head filled with dark wavy hair enters his vision. Its Connor Murphy, the brother of the most amazing girl in the world. "It's okay, I'm not dead," he stutters out, but Connor graphs his wrist to feel for a pulse. Evan janks his hand back and sit up in a single motion and he goes right through Connor. 

Evan gives a startled yelp and throws himself away from Connor. His heart sinks as he sees himself lying beneath Connor as he tries to stop the bleeding coming from Evan's head. A head that was cut open from where it hit a rock as Evan hit the ground. Evan sees how one arm is twisted in a manner that is unnatural and broken. he sinks into a crouching position and holds his head in his hands and tries not to panic, but the world goes black as only the sound of his heartbeat and rapid breathing can be heard. Except he isn't breathing and his heart isn't beating. Not really. He is dead. He catches a snippet of the conversation that Connor has with the emergency service, "Yes, I can't feel his pulse. I think he fell out of the tree," before he passes out. 

_(Can a ghost pass out?)_

* * *

_Ghosting_

* * *

The next time he wakes up _(But is it really waking up if you are dead) _he sees Connor attempting to comfort Evan's mom. 

She is holding him and thanking him for trying, for finding her son, and Connor looks so uncomfortable. He looks like he has no idea what to do with a woman who was crying on his shoulder while holding him in a bone-crushing hug. Evan sits/hovers? over a chair next to his mom and Connor and he breaks. A doctor comes in and tells his mother and Connor that he is sorry and that Evan was really dead. There was no coming back.

Evan's mother bursts into a new bunch of tears and Evan hates himself as he sees the hope in her eyes die and a miserable, broken hollowness take its place. Evan hates that he put that look there and he can't help but scream, "I'm sorry mom, I made a mistake. I want to wake up now. I promise I will be the best son that I can be." Evan tries to get his mother to hear him. He tries to get her to see him. He tries to hold her, to apologize to her, but he can't.

_(Death is final, you can't make amends if you are dead.)_

* * *

_Ghosting_

* * *

He goes to his own funeral. _(It is depressing.) _Evan laughs because who can say that they went to their own funeral. _(He cries afterward the thought because there is no one to say it too) _He sits on the ground between his mom and Connor and he sees how wrong he was. His mom was there and so is Jared, but Jared is balling his eyes out. Jared's parents are with him and so his Murphy's, but Evan doesn't know why they are here. There are also a dozen people that he met, that strangely turns out to care about him. The Librarian, the hairdresser, a checkout clerk, the owner of the small gas station that wasn't too far from his home and more. But the person the surprises him the most is his dad. His dad arrived after the ceremony started and his dad was crying. 

Evan sat crying and begging forgiveness as each person had something nice to say about him even the Murphy's. He tried, again and again, to hold his mother, to hug his father.

_(But a ghost can't touch people.)_

He goes home with his mom and dad and cries with them. He wants to talk to them, to beg his mom for forgiveness, to ask his dad why he was only coming back now? But he was dead.

_(I made a wrong decision. Suicide was not the answer. Please, I want to talk to the people whose lives I ruined by dying.)_

__

* * *

_Ghosting_

* * *

Evan keeps following the people who care about him around. He starts to get better at this ghost thing. He can now move tiny objects and go through walls, but he still cannot interact with people. He does what he can to make up for dying. He tucks the people into bed, moves things they lost to their pockets, makes sure that everyone drinks their medicine, but it isn't enough. Evan still hates himself and can't do anything to make himself feel better because every day he sees the pain in his mom's eyes, the guilt and longing in Jared's and the regret in everyone else's'. Nothing he does can take away the pain that he put in their lives.

Summer passes and he gets to know the Murphy's better. Zoe isn't as perfect as he thought and Connor is a mess, but he is trying.

Evan goes with them to school and hates how lonely he feels.

_(It is worse than when he was alive. At least then people saw you when they ran into you. Now they just pass through you.)_

* * *

_Ghosting_

* * *

His death does get talked about in school.

"I heard that a kid died this Summer."

"Really? How?"

"Heard he fell out of a tree."

"That's horrible."

"You know the Evan kid that died this Summer?"

"Blonde, stuttering mess, weird shorts?"

"Yeah, That one."

"What about him?"

"I think he jumped to kill himself."

"You mean you think he did it on purpose?"

"Yes and I bet that Connor Murphy is the next to go."

_(It is terrible to be apart of the roomer mill, but it blows over in less than the first day.)_

* * *

_Ghosting_

* * *

Connor has a really bad day a week after school opens. Evan is distracted by his mom having a breakdown and when he gets to the Murphy's he sees Connor drive off. Evan follows. It is a long walk but he finds Connor under the tree Evan committed suicide on. Evan gets there just as Connor throws a hand full of pills down his throat. _(TOO MUCH!!!! HE IS GONNA KILL HIMSELF)_

"NOOO!!! PLEASE CONNOR DON'T BE STUPID LIKE ME!! PLEASE CALL THE HOSPITAL!!!," Evan beggs and falls on his knees in front of Connor. Evan sobs. "Please, I don't want you to end up like me."

Evan cries and tearfully looks up at Connor whose eyes lock onto Evan's. Connor is deathly pale from shock and looks like he is about to panic, but Evan doesn't care. Connor can see him. "What? What do you mean end up like me?" And apparently can hear him too.

"Please don't commit suicide. It doesn't help. Call the ambulance and I will tell you everything while we wait for it to arrive."

Connor nods, "Okay." He dials the hospital. "Yeah, I threw a handful of pills down my throat. Please pick me up."

Evan is so happy. Someone can see and hear him and he stopped Connor Murphy from committing suicide.

He stays with Connor and tells him everything. From how and why he died to the self-hate and pain that he found in death. Connor listens and the ambulance arrives and takes him away. The doctor says that if they arrive a minute later it would be too late to save Connor. 

Evan sits by as Connor's stomach gets pumped and he gets fixed up. Evan offers the only thing he can, his comfort. Connor sees him and hears him the whole time and finally, Connor is allowed to sleep. Evan stays by him the whole time even when he knows that when Connor wakes up he will go back to being unseen.

_(Maybe some good can come from being dead.)_

* * *

_Ghosting_

* * *

Connor wakes up and looks at Evan and thanks to him for saving his life. Evan cries in joy and relief because someone sees him and knows that he exists. 

Evan still follows the people who cared about him, but he spends most of his time with Connor. They laugh and become good friends. Evan tells Connor everything. Everything except that his main mission in his not life is to keep Connor alive. 

10 years later the two of them finish the last thing that Evan wanted to do while he was still alive and he thinks that he is doing a good job so far. Connor has gotten help and is so much happier than in the beginning when he found Evan. Things are going great and he can't wait to see what else Connor will do with the rest of his life.

_(Suicide wasn't the answer and I still haven't forgiven myself, but I have aimed to prevent as many people from making my mistake as I can and Connor has been a big help. Connor decided to study psychology and now help children who think about suicide and have attempted suicide. It turns out that everyone who has almost died from suicide can see me. I can now tell my story to so many kids and help them decide against the choice of suicide.)_

_End_

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Zara. I hope you like it. You motivated me to write something again so I think it is only fair that I write it for you. Tell me what you think about it.
> 
> On other notes. If you have suicidal thoughts please get professional help. Death is final and the pain you leave behind is not worth the nothingness you get from dying.


End file.
